Nation reassured by ExxonMobil's profits

HOUSTON—According to reports from across the nation, all 315 million residents of the United States exhaled in relief and expressed a contented sense of reassurance Friday on news that the ExxonMobil Corporation had recorded nearly $45 billion in profits last year. “Oh, thank God!” said visibly relieved part-time drug store cashier Helen Gregory of Youngstown, OH, who called the oil and gas multinational’s total revenues of $483 billion “deeply comforting” and “a true blessing,” echoing the sentiments of every other American from coast to coast. “I can’t tell you how good it is to know that the world’s largest corporation is still unimaginably profitable. Now I can finally get some sleep and stop worrying.”

As reported in the Business section of The Onion.